it's just a lesson that we've learned

Never thought I'd end up in this situation. I wanted to believe that I'm more independent, and stronger, but no. I also thought that my feelings would never be such a problem again; that I would just do what feels right. Walk away if I didn't want it anymore.

But here I am. In love with someone, who will never love me back the way I need them to. Who will never get me. Who will never want me.
And it's pretty fucking heartbreaking.

From the start it seemed pretty fine. We liked each other, and it was simple, in a way at least. But then gradually, people change and their relationships are supposed to change. Now I constantly find myself thinking that maybe this is where we have to stay. Maybe we will never really be in love or anything.
Maybe shes's seeing someone else? She could if she wanted to.
Maybe the idea of being with or without her makes me sick.
Maybe no one should ever be with a person like me.

And I don't know

See, here's the deal. I think I was drunk when I wrote this. Let's just go with "it's really old and I need to get off Tumblr more often".

guess what guess who guess when

Walking home from the store.

This road didn't exist then.
We didn't even go this way because you lived there and I... Yeah.

I'm so tired and feel like crying now thanks memory.

i wish i wish

When I get older I want to befriend shady writers who drink with me and talk about sex weird stuff with me.

Simply because talking about children keeps bringing up the bad side of people and I need to be more careful with who I choose to hang out with.

something about this thing called romance

I was lying in bed half conscious when I got the best idea in weeks. I know it probably seems like I don't give a fuck about "romance" (and I did a test from some teenage girl oriented magazine that said so - yes I do hate my life). So I thought I'd clarify this... thing.

I hate the fake, middle-aged, conservative version of romance. You know, the one with flowers and going to restaurants, and the man having to be this prince-type and the woman being this helpless little creature that has the right to bitch about everything. I know a lot of people find it desirable, so yeah, go for it, but I'm planning on actually being happy with someone.

Here's where the irony kicks in. My ideal is kind of based on my parents' relationship as I see it now. They go to football games and cruises, and fall asleep on our couch all the damn time. They go sit outside for a while when they're in the sauna. It's one of the most romantic things I've seen in my life.

So maybe there's something horribly wrong with me, but I want an equal, fun relationship. I wanna go to ice hockey matches and watch movies and sleep together and not care about how things are supposed to be.


Also, it's disgusting how having children or getting married have turned into this achievement. It's not "natural" anymore, but instead it's worth this big fuss. Maybe it's just my conservative side, but marriage is literally paperwork that ties you together a bit more, and children.... Yeah. Some people just really can't deal with just pets.


I have never been this honest about anything help me.

5 days

Sooo.... I'm turning 18 this saturday. As an appropriate move I decided to dig out my old list of crap I wanna do before I'm legally an adult.

12/12 completed. Nice job. Then again I cheated because seriously, I have never woken up to see the sunrise.... but I've stayed up late enough to see it. Totally counts if you ask me.


There is nothing I want less than to spend my 18th birthday at some random relative's wedding - mum's cousin, whom I've never even met before. I'm praying there's gonna be hot people but fuck no, and with my luck we would probably end up being related.
I hate weddings because of the people. By the way, when I was a kid I started crying at my mum's friend's wedding because I was so scared. That's a nice childhood memory to refer to when I end up seeing a professional for my social anxiety issues...



My coffee addiction is getting funny.




I have cleaned up basically the whole house just to avoid doing school stuff. Impressive as fuck.
Also mash ups rule my world.
Also I need a webcam.
And alcohol.

deliriousness

Happy holidays.

I fucking re-read Moonlight Flowers. Let's not talk about that. Especially about the countless screenshots I never took. Or about the fact that I started crying in the end. How was I supposed to remember that story breaks my heart so bad.

Oh, I cut my hair. You know it's good when the first comments (besides comparing me to other people) were WHERE IS YOUR HAIR??. Not attached to my head. Anyway I feel more complete, the short hair just makes more sense. And damn it's infernally hot, I need to expose all possible skin.


Talking about infernally hot. Nights kill me.
It's hot and I'm just sitting here alone thinking. I love this + I've missed this but... it's not healthy?
Then again, no matter how bad things are falling apart, I haven't felt better in a long time.
What do you mean communication is the key. Haha. No.



I was going to add pictures but I got "nothing" so.... nope.
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY TO EXPLAIN HOW FRUSTRATED AND BRAINDEAD I FEEL RIGHT NOW. And it's only 1am.

We Can't Stop



I feel weeeiirrdddd