CW: implied self harm
it's written in the scars
It comes and goes in waves. This is how I can explain it to myself without losing my mind. (oh the irony) Usually it's like a few hours or days. I can handle that, it's more normal than being completely without it. That's why I don't fit anything. It doesn't last long enough. And I didn't react.
Didn't. It started last spring as an itch, a feeling in the back of my head. I survived every day thinking I could do something about it. I never did though, until May or something.
And it wasn't that bad. It was "innocent" in a sense. One person knew. One person told me not to. I did it anyway. He couldn't have changed my mind anymore.
But yeah. Waves. This one's been going on for 12 days now. I'm not an expert, and any expert would probably say it's not that bad, but it's tearing me apart. And it's doing it so slowly. I can feel it trying to break me down.
I keep referring to something as it. Simply because I have no word for it. It's like this dark thing that's eating me from the inside, causing me to hate everything so much it's not even rational. There's this big ball of hate inside of me and it's not directed towards anything specific anymore. It's just waiting for its moment to be free. So I try to control it. Lamest ways are probably biting my skin and poking myself with pens. (When I say poking I mean basically trying to force it through my skin. In a nutshell.)
And after that rant....
What the hell was today? He must've seen the look on my face, I was terrified. It didn't even hurt that much but the fear. I'm not the kind of person who is scared of stuff, especially other people (that's a lie, people scare the shit out of me).
Hope you got your fun out of it, though. You nearly blew it. If I get caught I'm done.
Not in front of those people. No.
I guess I'll just write a message and stare at it for an hour before deleting it. Because after all I'm that normal.
