Happiness.
 Such a simple thing (for me at least). Some time ago being happy drove me crazy: I couldn't handle what it felt like when the right person just was close to me or smiled at me. And yeah, that still scares me: Thinking about her makes me smile instantly and when I'm around her... Wow. It just seems so absurd that all it takes is one person. If I'd known things are gonna turn out like this... I would've saved a lot of energy last spring/summer.
 No further explanations on that one :D But yeah, the only point on writing this is boredom: I've been sitting in a car for like an hour and I'm dying. Even music doesn't work anymore :( The only thing that keeps my brain from melting is Monday. Lol I sound like a freaking teenage girl (oh, wait), but I can't help it: finally something good - no, great - is happening... Six months ago I thought this year is a disaster... I'm ready to take that back :)

Random Complaining

I have never believed in stereotypes. Or well, if I'm watching TV, I will point out the most obvious ones just for fun, but that's it.
I've actually learned to think that if something goes by the stereotype, it's usually the opposite.
Confused yet? Perfect.

 There is one stereotype that confuses and worries me, though. Every gay person seems to say oh, I was like five when I realized I was different. Ever heard of that? I have for like a million times. And it's not exactly making me feel better. Especially a few years ago, when I was reading everything I could find to figure myself out just a little bit...
Because seriously, I've always been "normal". I played with Barbie dolls, all of my friends have been girls, I never felt like I didn't fit in, I never felt like I'm boy-ish...

  I know it doesn't mean anything. I am what I am and stupid stereotypes can't change that. But it's still weird for me.
This is the point where, some years ago, I would've asked myself what went wrong?. Uhm, yeah, I used to be a part-time homophobe. And please don't get me wrong. It started when I realized I fell for a girl.  Then I just had to suck it up and face the facts: I can make my life really hard with my attitude or stop being an ass towards myself. (Guess which one I chose?)

Supposedly Out Of My Misery

So... This has been something I've been wanting to write but I've also been terrified to do this :D

I have wrote about this one girl for a few times (well that's a lie)... And I honestly thought I should just lose all the hope I used to have. It's no use chasing something that will never work out.

But. Last Friday night (now I have the song stuck in my head) a freaking miracle happened.
And you know, no one has ever told me they have feelings for me (at least not face to face), so it was certainly something new. I had expected it on some point but then just killed the thought and moved on, and the place and everything... I was surprised. It's not even a bad thing.

And anyways, now I'm testing my "positive thinking" once again. I don't know why this keeps happening, but I start to rationalize everything. It's more than stupid, I always end up with a solution I don't like and just do the opposite.

 But I dare to say I have a reason to be worried.
I know what can go wrong. I've lost a good friend in the process. (And I had so many flashbacks about it that it's scary on itself.)


So I know how it might go. With the right people, it doesn't matter what you say. You just can't be around each other anymore. And after that you can seriously say it's all over.


After covering all the negative stuff I can finally get to the flailing part. (Lol why can't I be normal...)
I've literally been smiling all the time at home. My sister came home yesterday and she was like who did you kiss last night?. I just laughed and asked what the hell she was thinking. Apparently, by reading my tweets and knowing what happens in The Last Song (and possibly living under the same roof with me??) you can figure out what's going on in my life, no matter how little I talk about it.

And then my ridiculous problems. I have never ever kissed anyone (I usually add "in a way it would count", but I'm just gonna drop it) and it's starting to worry me. I have also never "dated" anyone, which is basically just pathetic in my age. (But I can always blame it on the fact that I never really have a crush on anyone and I've been too busy being confused.)

 Tonight I tried to get my sister to tell me what do you actually do with people when you're dating but she had no idea. Sometimes I just really hate being the oldest kid. And the fact that I haven't talked to my used-to-be-mentor in like six months. I really need her right now.

This is a freaking long post, I know. But I should be doing school stuff right now, so...
Anyways, I don't know what kind of image this gives, but all I can say that I'm so happy it's not even real.
(And if I can sleep tonight, I'm gonna be super happy :D)

*Mental Problems*

You know you have no life when your last class ended over 30 minutes ago and you're still at school.
On a fucking computer.

Aaanywhore. A few days ago I had this need to actually update my blog. As you can see, it's long gone.
But whatever.


At school I'm failing basically everything. Usually when this happens, I'm like yeah, it's this and this person's fault, not mine. Now I can't do even that. I know that I should focus on something else than... Well, whatever I'm doing nowadays.
But it's hard. The sad fact is that I seriously have a major crush (I hate that word) on this person x and I can't get over it.
And what could I say to her??
Oh, you're cute and funny and adorable. But I don't want to mess our relationship up. I don't know what I want from you.

I'm a fucking hot mess... But life is actually sorta fun. I love my class, I... I just really like my life right now. It's weird to think that way, I'm used to feeling like everything is going to fall apart any second. But I've learned my lesson: surround yourself with people who actually make you laugh and don't try to make you feel bad.

The one thing I should get into my head on the moment is that I have to stop daydreaming. Yeah, you can't tell a person's sexuality by looking at them. But you can tell when you obviously don't stand a chance. I can, but I refuse to believe it. Sigh.
And oh, the best part. I have some sort of a gaydar (instincts lol) but I can't figure out people who I actually like.
I just wish people could take hints.....

Haha this turned out to be far too long. Good luck with reading it.

TMI Come To Life

I'm so boring but I have to get this out of my system: I think I have officially fallen for someone. AGAIN.

Two or three years ago I complained (deep inside my head) that I cannot be a normal human being since I don't have romantic feelings for absolutely anyone.
Then I fell for my closest friend. Whoops.
That is still the reason why I don't believe in best friends; everyone said "oh, you're best friends" but I never agreed thanks to the crush I was trying to overcome.
So, long story short, she found out and now, a long time later, we're not talking to each other.

I know there are other things involved, not just my feelings: we're different and she got closer to people that are more like her. But still, even today, I can't help wondering, where would we stand if I had never told anyone. (Or written everything online like a complete idiot.) After all, I don't know if I can ever completely let her go...


So, now I have shared half of my life with this blog (too). After all that it shouldn't be a miracle that I don't want to tell this one person I like her. I'm afraid everything will come crushing down and somehow I would be outcast in my class. Not that people wouldn't accept me, not at all, just that I know how awkward things can get.
And I know that not everyone is happy to know someone's crushing on them. In some cases I wouldn't be.
Like if a guy fell for me. Gosh, I would be so sorry for him. Partly because I'm so used to not being liked. (That sentence made zero sense. Bare with me.)


This has been long and horrible. I need to know what to do. I don't want to ruin yet another relationship. I like where we stand now. But there's always the stupid, undying hope inside of me. Damnit.

I Really Suck At Schoolwork

Gosh. I don't even know where to start.
Blogspot decided not to work on my phone anymore. Or well, it works.
I just can't acces my profile.
And I don't have too much time to sit down and waste my time on a computer.


But, uhmm... I need to figure out any random thing about myself that my classmates don't know.
It shouldn't be this hard, right?
What do I want them to know?

I played soccer for years. It is the biggest mistake ever made.
I'm a dancer. But I just quit. I don't even know why.
I'm an actress. Sort of. I just quit theater thanks to the horrible prices.
I'd love to be a singer. But I can't sing.
I don't wanna get married.
I don't believe in god.
I think I was born in the wrong country, I don't belong here.
I hate falling in  love.

Wow. I have a lot of feelings.

Pssst: I went with: Movies are my life.

10 Things About My So-Called Life

Welcome to my brand new blog.

I'm currently in the library (yeah, fuck my life) and while I walked here I thought about a smooth start.
I came up with awesome ideas but I'm failing to type them in.

So... Ten things about myself sounds random and idiotic - but also sorta convenient. (That's me for ya...)

#1: My life is boring
 Yes, it is. I can try to spice it up with writing but... I'm not a liar.

#2: Being reasonable is not my thing
 I get angry for no reason, I flail about nothing... I create huge problems out of thin air. That's just me.

#3: I'm a dramaqueen
 I used to say "I love drama to death - literally" and it's true. My is-was-is(?) friend made me entertain her over midsummer (via textmessage) and oh damn I did. So, maybe I can take care of the dramatic stuff? (Yay me... *sarcastic laughter*)

#4: I have my "stuff" I can talk about for days
 For example books, movies, music and my tragic (unexisting) love life. And how ugly I am.

#5: I'm addicted to many things
 Chocolate, lipstick, wedges (I don't own a single pair), my hair, hair dye, music, writing, Glee, Chris Colfer... Yeah :D

#6: I like girls
 I like pretty much only girls. (I added the "pretty much" to seem more interesting.)

#7: I get hysterical far too often
 Sometimes it includes laughing, sometimes crying. (You'll see...)

#8: I'm sixteen
 So I'm underage. Don't hit on me. (Except if you're hot. Then we'll settle.)

#9: I don't drink alcohol / smoke / do drugs
 And I hopefully never will.

#10: I dream BIG
 And I mean BIG. I'm going to be a model, a psychologist, a writer, an actress, a singer (I really can't sing), a fashion designer, song-writer, director... (Yes, I'm actually sixteen. So what I have pretty much the same career choices as your 3-year-old sister.)

So, now I've shared all of this awkward stuff about my life.
Smart move, I'm scaring people away from the start.

But, uhmmm... That's it for now. I'll see where this takes me ;)

Love, AD