nowhere but up

CW: mentions of gore and self-harm

School. For fuck's sake.
These adults trying to help me (who btw "care about my life") said that I might feel like I'm doing better because I push my feelings away and do something else instead. So then I would only feel anxious or whatever when I'm alone and I have nothing to do.

OK. Here's the deal: I have a part-time job, I go to school, I lie to my mum everyday about everything. I got my head wrapped around a few things and seriously I'm not willing to let go. Because those idiots might be right. (I'm seriously facepalming at myself just for agreeing on something like that)

~

I love drama.
Then my friend got really mad at me for the dumbest thing ever and I just don't know anymore.
I mean come on. I'm sorry for keeping secrets from you, but 1) I'm not alone in this you know, and 2) stop. It's my private life. It's not funny when you say (as a joke) that you won't write names down on your damn schoolwork but that "everyone in our class will know who it's about".
Also stop implying things you don't know anything about. Once again, private life. It's not "totally obvious". Fuck, you're making the thing I'm most nervous about something that I've already been through. And you're making it seem so natural, which just basically makes me want to die.
With my confidence, with my courage, with my damn.... well I have no scars but still.
But hey, at least she didn't label me.
I just can't take you guys seriously.

Do you ever look in the mirror and feel like cutting your stomach open? 

You know, just to feel cleaner.

Or scratch yourself until you bleed everywhere?

That's why we have cutting. To contain this.

Since the start of 2012 I have....

So I was on tumblr and i found this thing. The bolded ones are obviously the stuff that's happened. And yes my life is the definition of uninteresting.



Gotten a new piercing.

Dyed my hair.

Ended a relationship.

Started a new relationship.

Been on a long a car journey.

Passed an exam.

Have someone who’s now an important part of my life.

Cried on someone’s shoulder.

Had a massive fight with a boy/girlfriend.

Received flowers.

Had a Valentine.

Written a letter using pen & paper.

Been prescribed medication by a doctor.

Read a really good book.

Gone to the zoo.

Spent too much money on unnecessary things.

Traveled by train.

Cried over a member of the opposite sex.

Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan.

Slammed a door out of frustration.

Had an anxiety attack.

Babysat for a friend’s child.

Had a BBQ.

Gone to the fair.

Gone bowling.

Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.

Gone on a date.

Been the only sober one on a night out.

Helped someone home after they had been drinking.

Stayed up all night.

Talked on the phone for over two hours.

Supported someone who’d received bad news.

Watched some kind of live sporting event.

Read an entire book in one day.

Bought a DVD the day it was released.

Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.

Cried as a result of exam stress.

Met some incredible new people.

Gone to great parties.

Fallen backwards off a chair.

Broken my glasses.

Worn a watch for the first time in years.

Cried over someone in my past.

Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.

Thrown up.

Cried over a film.

Gone out of my way to avoid a person from your past.

Fought with someone in public.

Been in a relationship for a year or longer.




So that was fun.

can't stay with you

So. Tired. And it won't get any better than this.
When you're physically tired, you just sleep and it goes away. When it's all in your head.... Yeah. What can you do?

I've tried to express myself with words before and it doesn't work.

I hate my family.
I hate myself.
And I could kill all of the above.

It's kinda funny. I've always thought that if you hide everything you feel for long enough, you'll explode or something. Just let everything out at once, violently or not.
I'm still waiting for that to happen.

what used to be yours isn't yours at all

Everytime you force me to hide away because I'm scared or just sick of this, you kill me. Not in the same way as the others do, here it's not so physical.
But after years of being hurt I've had more than enough.

If someone wants to pick up the pieces and actually make a person out of them, go ahead and try. This house, these people taught me how to hate but not what to do with it.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe expressing emotions and, you know, not hiding every issue, is not as common as I thought.



It has turned me into who I am, though. I can lie, that's not the problem. I can torture myself pretty well, because I have no idea what else to do.
I regret--

open my eyes

CW: implied self harm

My "personality" is becoming a joke. I mean come on. I'm so fucked up I think my inability to cry/feel is a good thing. Makes me stronger or something. Lol no.

 it's written in the scars

It comes and goes in waves. This is how I can explain it to myself without losing my mind. (oh the irony) Usually it's like a few hours or days. I can handle that, it's more normal than being completely without it. That's why I don't fit anything. It doesn't last long enough. And I didn't react.
 Didn't. It started last spring as an itch, a feeling in the back of my head. I survived every day thinking I could do something about it. I never did though, until May or something.
 And it wasn't that bad. It was "innocent" in a sense. One person knew. One person told me not to. I did it anyway. He couldn't have changed my mind anymore.
 But yeah. Waves. This one's been going on for 12 days now. I'm not an expert, and any expert would probably say it's not that bad, but it's tearing me apart. And it's doing it so slowly. I can feel it trying to break me down.

 I keep referring to something as it. Simply because I have no word for it. It's like this dark thing that's eating me from the inside, causing me to hate everything so much it's not even rational. There's this big ball of hate inside of me and it's not directed towards anything specific anymore. It's just waiting for its moment to be free. So I try to control it. Lamest ways are probably biting my skin and poking myself with pens. (When I say poking I mean basically trying to force it through my skin. In a nutshell.)

 And after that rant....
What the hell was today? He must've seen the look on my face, I was terrified. It didn't even hurt that much but the fear. I'm not the kind of person who is scared of stuff, especially other people (that's a lie, people scare the shit out of me).
 Hope you got your fun out of it, though. You nearly blew it. If I get caught I'm done.
Not in front of those people. No.



I guess I'll just write a message and stare at it for an hour before deleting it. Because after all I'm that normal.

Of family life and other things

Change is gonna come. I just feel it. Everyone in the family is pushing boundaries and even with occasional good days, I swear everything's gonna fall apart soon enough.
Oh well. I'm used to this. I don't know how my younger siblings feel.
In this house all that matters is smiling and acting like everything's "alright". No one cares about how you feel. If you wanna cry, please go and do it in your room, because nobody wants to see it. Issues aren't meant to be talked about. It's more convinient to just look away and expect for the problem to disappear.

Am I being too harsh? Maybe. But all I need is an opportunity to be open to my parents. They're not willing to give me that. Oh, no. The last time mum asked me what's going on was about two years ago. And even then only because I didn't wanna go to school and face my life. Again.

I hate how my mum acts like she knows something. My gay best friend (who just happens to be a girl) agrees with me. So how about you come and fucking say it to my face. Yell at me, say how disappointed you are - I really don't care.
I just don't want my own mother to act this way.

Or maybe it's my own paranoia. It could be.
As much I love secrets and drama and having to sneak around, I'm getting tired of this.
It's just that I don't have options.
My dad already scares me so much.
I don't wanna give him a reason to shout at me. When he does it without a reason it's already bad enough.
I think that's why I'm so terrified of loud noises.


Friend: I've thought about it, and sexuality isn't worth losing friends.
Me: I know, I mean you're straight and I'm still friends with you.
Friend: *laughs*
Me: Sounds funny that way, doesn't it?
She was probably expecting a cookie for that comment. I'm sorry but I'm so not sorry.

~

I have nothing to say. I'm so scared of causing conflicts in real life that I just keep pouring it out online. Ironic, I'm actually starting to not care about what people think of me. After years of telling that lie to everyone, it's becoming reality.

Midnight stuff

Life keeps happening.
As much as I've tried to run away from my past it just keeps catching up.
Sure, my mistakes started out as my decisions, but can't everything just leave me alone already. It's been long enough, I've tried so hard to move on...

So uhmm god bless high school. New people who have absolutely no idea who I am and what I've been through. And seriously I don't think anyone even cares that much...
The thing is, I don't know why I'm so upset. I knew there were rumors. In 9th grade one was basically stuffed to my face but I just laughed it off. No, I was NOT going out with my friend...
Oh god. I fucking should've seen it coming - or going on. People reading my stuff, talking, guessing...
And getting it right.
Then again I'm far too glad no one confronted me. I love giving people something to talk about and yeah - maybe I'm a bit different - but getting real life involved is horrible... When I write, it comes from my heart (presuming I have one) and that's why I can't face it in any other way than via internet. Not face to face.
Which would lead to a nice christmas-y story a few years back...
Anyway. My history. Why. I would give so much to go back and change... a lot.
If I wasn't so scared of losing something else at the same time. Sigh.

First World Problems

I was reading in the sun and now my back is all red.

I crawled out of bed 20 minutes before breakfast was over - they were out of croissants.

Everyone keeps noticing I'm Finnish.

I'm really pale.

I look like a tourist.

Swedish people.

I keep winning at Air Hockey and it's not challenging anymore.

IT'S RAINING.

I’m arrogant.

I can get really boring.

I don’t put effort into relationships.

I can’t express my emotions.

I’m stubborn.

I'm obnoxiously loud.

I talk too much.

I don’t believe in God but I'm obsessed with religion.

I'm not afraid of lying.

I've done things I'm not proud of.

I can’t make up my mind.

I don’t treat people as well as I should.

I don’t deserve you.

I can’t take a compliment.

I'm insecure.

I don’t believe things are real until I can see them.

I do dorky things.

I enjoy being the center of the attention.

I'm a drama queen. And I like it.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not smart.

I laugh at people who want to look like supermodels.

I want to lose weight.

I don’t know what is normal anymore.

I just want to be loved.

I'm afraid of letting everyone down.

I'm scared of being hated.

I say I don’t care even though I do.

I can’t tell you I need you.

I try to hide my weaknesses.

I can’t trust people.

I let things go too far.

I drag everyone into my own messes.

I hurt the ones I love.

I’m not worth trying.

There's Just One Life To Live

I wish I could explain how it feels.
To think about you.
To see you.
To be around you.
I wish you knew how I smile when I think about you or talk about you.

Knowing that I'm 'allowed' to do all those things I tried not to think about.
Tell you you're beautiful.
Play with your hair.
Hold your hand in mine.
Put my arms around you just to make sure everyone knows.
Kiss you.

But oh, no.
I'm on idiot.

The school dance is coming up in a year.
I told my friend I'm not sure if I wanna dance with a girl.
Even tough my mum did.
I don't care what people think of me.
But I like to keep things like this to myself.
Kind of.


Your hair.
Your smile.
Your excitement.
Your attitude towards life.
Your fucking perfectness.

The way you get along with everyone.
The way you are passionate about things I don't understand.
The way you put up with me every day.
The way you tell me things and probably think I don't care.
But I do.

I Have A Feeling This Makes Me Seem Like An Asshole

I don't even know what to think anymore. Sometimes I think that maybe my life is actually in a point where things change and I just have to accept that.

 The bad thing is, that's exactly what I thought on my first few weeks of high school. And after that probably at least every other week. And do I even have to mention that on the inside nothing's changed? I'm still that 16-year-old emotionally part-time dead idiot who walked through the school doors in August, scared out of her mind and dying for a change.

 It's kind of sad, really.


Yesterday things happened. I had to stay at school till the edge of starving to dead and having a major headache. After that my so-called friends half dragged me, half talked me into walking to the 'wrong' train station. Before that this one guy was (once again) all over me and this one girl (once again) said jokingly that he has feelings for me. And I just stood there and laughed it off, because what the hell was I supposed to do...

 Then we got to the station. I refused to take the train and then walk home for ages, so I was chilling there with that guy, just having fun and talking about random stuff. When the impossible happens.

 Out of nowhere someone calls my name, and when I turn around, I face the most gay-looking girl I've ever seen (looks are not always misleading - take a hint). She laughs at my shocked reaction and somehow manages to explain what's going on in her life in the next 10 seconds, while I'm still trying to figure out who she is.

 Then I realize, and suddenly there's no oxygen in the air around me.

 Out of all people in this country I'm facing the girl I've been missing like crazy for the past month. And she's just standing right there, looking gorgeous as fuck, clueless about the storm going on inside my brain.Thank god it was over in a few minutes, but even after that I just stared at something no one else could see and my friend actually bothered to point it out.

 I couldn't even tell him if I was happy about seeing her again.

 I kind of was - after all I've really missed seeing her and whatever, sometimes messenger just isn't enough.

 But then again I need to face the facts. Last summer I based my feelings for a few people (and the actions on them) on the fact that I was sure that I'll never see her again. (And that I the person I thought I liked asked me about it and I couldn't blurt out that I was having feelings for someone else too.)


In a way meeting her in person after all this time felt like a bitch slap. It reminded me of something I could've had if I wasn't..... me. It also reminded me of the fact that just like my friends tried to say, I can do so much better than that.


Oh god if I wasn't at school, I'd most likely be crying by now. I've taken so many steps ahead without thinking or listening to myself. I don't wanna regret anything, but the last spring/summer was just a huge mess of mistakes and feelings and I don't want that time of confusion to continue. The worst part is that on that midsummer night I knew what I wanted. I knew exactly what I was going for. And sure, after that it felt right for a while, but then the whole thing just kinda died. When school started I already was pretty much over it.

~

Yes, all of this is impossible to understand if you don't know me and my 'history'. That's the point.
And I also know it was reeeally long. When I started writing I had nothing to say. Then it turned into a lot of stuff.

What Is Life Tbh

Haha okay. My life is random. For the past few days I've been acting like a total zombie. Like seriously. Exhibit A: this morning. I was having breakfast (shocker, I know) with my family and the family we were staying at and everyone was talking about random shit and you know, the usual. Then suddenly I realized I had missed a ton of rambling. I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened before, but this time I zoned off for like over 10 times. In five minutes.
 And I thought it was bad when I lost focus at school for like twice per a 90 minute lesson.

This might be a good time for me to mention that I don't mind at all. I seriously don't. Being lost in all that fluffy crap that's inside my head isn't bad, it's actually really funny. Except for that one time when I had to tell my sister I'm sorry, but I have no clue what you said during the past two minutes...



Besides all this (and a lot of other stuff), there's something really "wrong" with me. I don't know why "making a move" is so hard for me.
 Nope, not the first time I'm crying about this. But it's driving me crazy. Because I'm not 10 years old anymore. I don't wanna go into detail, but I'm sick of my insecurities and doubts going on the way of my feelings & expressing them.

That's all for now. I guess.

New Years Resolutions........... Failed

So it's 2012. I tell "everyone" I haven't promised anything, because 1) I don't want them to know what I want to change about myself or 2) I know I can't keep promises.
 And uhm, yeah. Last year I didn't promise anything because I completely forgot. This year I should be promising lots of stuff, since I've suddenly come to realization about my horrible personality. Lol.
 Here we go...

1) I promise I'll take more risks - even though what I consider a risk is enough to make people lose their patience with me.

2) I promise to let people in. Or at least try. I've got my mental walls back up and I don't want to take them down just yet.

3) I promise I'll take my weight back to consideration. I'm not going for BMI of 17 again, but I don't like the way I look now.

4) I promise I'll stop keeping so much stuff to myself. Normal people don't read minds. It just seems I haven't quite understood that yet...

5) I promise I'll sleep more and do my homework. I need to get my schoolwork on track before I end up being a high school drop-out working at McDonald's. I just... no.


I have already failed some of these. This was just an example of what I want from my life. I'm just not willing to do anything to change. Arghh.