(i want more)

Once I get started, I can't stop. Let's just say a song just came on and it got me thinking.
I'm so hedonistic. It sounds weird as hell I know but it's true. For a few years now I've been thinking that there's no other thing in life as important as feeling good.
Then last year our philosophy teacher brought up the gladiator battles and how people enjoyed watching others die. I was horrified.
One year later I don't care anymore. I'm addicted to everything horror related. I'm ridiculously interested in serial killers and such. I'll just say I get off on the weirdest crap, which is the worst expression ever but saves me the trouble of explaining.


Hedonism is about getting as much pleasure (asdfghjkl) as possible, whilst pain is subtracted from it. Excuse me? I'm so lost, but really... What if you enjoy a decent amount of pain.
Pain makes you feel. And holy fuck it makes you focus.


I'm all about the thrill. It doesn't have to be anything special.
The problem is that I get used to the feeling. Which means (this is where it gets funny) that I have to keep pushing the limit further and further. I swear I'm painfully obvious when I keep provoking people, looking for any kind of reaction. The thrill I get from pushing people over the edge, from making them react strongly, is so bad but so good.
That sounded sexual. Oh god why.


Using people gets me to my next point. I want everything.
That sounds horribly wrong.
But it's so true. I'm that spoiled brat whose used to getting everything she wants, even though I'm the oldest of three children, meaning that I'm far from spoiled.
It's just that I'm one of those people who see life as a game. No one wins or loses, but it still goes on underneath everything we do. Get dealt a good hand, it'll be easier. Get dealt my a bad one and..... yeah. Have fun digging your way up.

Messy. So messy. Too messy. I need to stop.

the art of breathing

This is so long overdue. And I don't feel like writing any of this right now. But ugh gotta start somewhere I guess.


Some people in my life... I'm not sure of their purpose. They don't hurt me, they don't really do anything.
And then there's people who do everything. Hurt me so bad I don't know what to do - and help me so much  I wouldn't know what to do without them.

Yes, this is about a guy. But not in the traditional way.
It's not a love story. Could have been. Maybe. In another life, in some alternate universe I would not want to live in.
He's like my brother. Kind of.
He treats me poorly, doesn't really give a shit about my feelings (well, sometimes he doesn't), isn't afraid to snap at me about everything....
He's always there when I need someone to talk to, he doesn't judge me, he compliments me and makes it sound genuine.
Go figure.


If we were both normal (=sane), we probably wouldn't talk to each other anymore. But in this twisted world we end up relying on each other a bit too much. I remember thinking I won't let people "in" anymore. What the hell happened to that....


Remember that one Friday night?
After the days I'm trying so hard to forget?
When I asked you how to make it stop.
And you tried to help. You really did...
Well, you saved my fucking life.
Wouldn't admit it.
But you did.



Weakness. That's what it all comes down to.

...good enough to make me wanna fall in love...

I HAVE SO MUCH FEELS RIGHT NOW.
LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.



Ahem.
I've been writing again. After an episode of American Horror Story and eating a crap ton of chocolate, that is.

What I miss the most is the thrill. The excitement of not knowing what was going to happen that day. And I don't mean that "is today gonna be shit or not" kind of thing, I still have that. (And most of the time I don't wanna go to school because I can't face the fact that the day is indeed shit and I have to just deal with it.) What I mean is the feeling before you're allowed to think a person is yours. There's the second guessing and jealousy and all that other stuff, but I loved that so much. There's also the unspoken promise: anything can happen. And it's so delicious (sorry for that word omg) to let your imagination take charge for a minute - we could actually happen one day, if you just like me too. (What I'm trying to say is that I feel ridiculously lonely sitting alone in my bed in the middle of the night. I'm really not cut out for this kind of thing.)

I know my feels shouldn't make sense to a normal person... I told someone about how wonderful the "I have no clue what's gonna happen" state is, but he said he hates being unsure.
The thing is, I'm an adrenaline junkie. I also shouldn't be allowed in a relationship just because I'm not stable enough (ha). I love the rush and I'll do anything to get it.

Also it's 4 in the morning (....the end of December....) and I just started thinking. Is it a good or a bad thing when you discuss porn with someone (no that never happened), and the person says that they expected something "weirder" from you.... I'm so vanilla, dude. Get off my case.

I think this is a good place to end this. When I start writing I always think that there should be a theme or something, but I can never stop myself on time and then things get random. Oh fucking well.