I wish I could explain how it feels.
To think about you.
To see you.
To be around you.
I wish you knew how I smile when I think about you or talk about you.
Knowing that I'm 'allowed' to do all those things I tried not to think about.
Tell you you're beautiful.
Play with your hair.
Hold your hand in mine.
Put my arms around you just to make sure everyone knows.
Kiss you.
But oh, no.
I'm on idiot.
The school dance is coming up in a year.
I told my friend I'm not sure if I wanna dance with a girl.
Even tough my mum did.
I don't care what people think of me.
But I like to keep things like this to myself.
Kind of.
Your hair.
Your smile.
Your excitement.
Your attitude towards life.
Your fucking perfectness.
The way you get along with everyone.
The way you are passionate about things I don't understand.
The way you put up with me every day.
The way you tell me things and probably think I don't care.
But I do.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
I Have A Feeling This Makes Me Seem Like An Asshole
I don't even know what to think anymore. Sometimes I think that maybe my life is actually in a point where things change and I just have to accept that.
The bad thing is, that's exactly what I thought on my first few weeks of high school. And after that probably at least every other week. And do I even have to mention that on the inside nothing's changed? I'm still that 16-year-old emotionally part-time dead idiot who walked through the school doors in August, scared out of her mind and dying for a change.
It's kind of sad, really.
Yesterday things happened. I had to stay at school till the edge of starving to dead and having a major headache. After that my so-called friends half dragged me, half talked me into walking to the 'wrong' train station. Before that this one guy was (once again) all over me and this one girl (once again) said jokingly that he has feelings for me. And I just stood there and laughed it off, because what the hell was I supposed to do...
Then we got to the station. I refused to take the train and then walk home for ages, so I was chilling there with that guy, just having fun and talking about random stuff. When the impossible happens.
Out of nowhere someone calls my name, and when I turn around, I face the most gay-looking girl I've ever seen (looks are not always misleading - take a hint). She laughs at my shocked reaction and somehow manages to explain what's going on in her life in the next 10 seconds, while I'm still trying to figure out who she is.
Then I realize, and suddenly there's no oxygen in the air around me.
Out of all people in this country I'm facing the girl I've been missing like crazy for the past month. And she's just standing right there, looking gorgeous as fuck, clueless about the storm going on inside my brain.Thank god it was over in a few minutes, but even after that I just stared at something no one else could see and my friend actually bothered to point it out.
I couldn't even tell him if I was happy about seeing her again.
I kind of was - after all I've really missed seeing her and whatever, sometimes messenger just isn't enough.
But then again I need to face the facts. Last summer I based my feelings for a few people (and the actions on them) on the fact that I was sure that I'll never see her again. (And that I the person I thought I liked asked me about it and I couldn't blurt out that I was having feelings for someone else too.)
In a way meeting her in person after all this time felt like a bitch slap. It reminded me of something I could've had if I wasn't..... me. It also reminded me of the fact that just like my friends tried to say, I can do so much better than that.
Oh god if I wasn't at school, I'd most likely be crying by now. I've taken so many steps ahead without thinking or listening to myself. I don't wanna regret anything, but the last spring/summer was just a huge mess of mistakes and feelings and I don't want that time of confusion to continue. The worst part is that on that midsummer night I knew what I wanted. I knew exactly what I was going for. And sure, after that it felt right for a while, but then the whole thing just kinda died. When school started I already was pretty much over it.
Yes, all of this is impossible to understand if you don't know me and my 'history'. That's the point.
And I also know it was reeeally long. When I started writing I had nothing to say. Then it turned into a lot of stuff.
The bad thing is, that's exactly what I thought on my first few weeks of high school. And after that probably at least every other week. And do I even have to mention that on the inside nothing's changed? I'm still that 16-year-old emotionally part-time dead idiot who walked through the school doors in August, scared out of her mind and dying for a change.
It's kind of sad, really.
Yesterday things happened. I had to stay at school till the edge of starving to dead and having a major headache. After that my so-called friends half dragged me, half talked me into walking to the 'wrong' train station. Before that this one guy was (once again) all over me and this one girl (once again) said jokingly that he has feelings for me. And I just stood there and laughed it off, because what the hell was I supposed to do...
Then we got to the station. I refused to take the train and then walk home for ages, so I was chilling there with that guy, just having fun and talking about random stuff. When the impossible happens.
Out of nowhere someone calls my name, and when I turn around, I face the most gay-looking girl I've ever seen (looks are not always misleading - take a hint). She laughs at my shocked reaction and somehow manages to explain what's going on in her life in the next 10 seconds, while I'm still trying to figure out who she is.
Then I realize, and suddenly there's no oxygen in the air around me.
Out of all people in this country I'm facing the girl I've been missing like crazy for the past month. And she's just standing right there, looking gorgeous as fuck, clueless about the storm going on inside my brain.Thank god it was over in a few minutes, but even after that I just stared at something no one else could see and my friend actually bothered to point it out.
I couldn't even tell him if I was happy about seeing her again.
I kind of was - after all I've really missed seeing her and whatever, sometimes messenger just isn't enough.
But then again I need to face the facts. Last summer I based my feelings for a few people (and the actions on them) on the fact that I was sure that I'll never see her again. (And that I the person I thought I liked asked me about it and I couldn't blurt out that I was having feelings for someone else too.)
In a way meeting her in person after all this time felt like a bitch slap. It reminded me of something I could've had if I wasn't..... me. It also reminded me of the fact that just like my friends tried to say, I can do so much better than that.
Oh god if I wasn't at school, I'd most likely be crying by now. I've taken so many steps ahead without thinking or listening to myself. I don't wanna regret anything, but the last spring/summer was just a huge mess of mistakes and feelings and I don't want that time of confusion to continue. The worst part is that on that midsummer night I knew what I wanted. I knew exactly what I was going for. And sure, after that it felt right for a while, but then the whole thing just kinda died. When school started I already was pretty much over it.
~
Yes, all of this is impossible to understand if you don't know me and my 'history'. That's the point.
And I also know it was reeeally long. When I started writing I had nothing to say. Then it turned into a lot of stuff.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
What Is Life Tbh
Haha okay. My life is random. For the past few days I've been acting like a total zombie. Like seriously. Exhibit A: this morning. I was having breakfast (shocker, I know) with my family and the family we were staying at and everyone was talking about random shit and you know, the usual. Then suddenly I realized I had missed a ton of rambling. I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened before, but this time I zoned off for like over 10 times. In five minutes.
And I thought it was bad when I lost focus at school for like twice per a 90 minute lesson.
This might be a good time for me to mention that I don't mind at all. I seriously don't. Being lost in all that fluffy crap that's inside my head isn't bad, it's actually really funny. Except for that one time when I had to tell my sister I'm sorry, but I have no clue what you said during the past two minutes...
Besides all this (and a lot of other stuff), there's something really "wrong" with me. I don't know why "making a move" is so hard for me.
Nope, not the first time I'm crying about this. But it's driving me crazy. Because I'm not 10 years old anymore. I don't wanna go into detail, but I'm sick of my insecurities and doubts going on the way of my feelings & expressing them.
That's all for now. I guess.
And I thought it was bad when I lost focus at school for like twice per a 90 minute lesson.
This might be a good time for me to mention that I don't mind at all. I seriously don't. Being lost in all that fluffy crap that's inside my head isn't bad, it's actually really funny. Except for that one time when I had to tell my sister I'm sorry, but I have no clue what you said during the past two minutes...
Besides all this (and a lot of other stuff), there's something really "wrong" with me. I don't know why "making a move" is so hard for me.
Nope, not the first time I'm crying about this. But it's driving me crazy. Because I'm not 10 years old anymore. I don't wanna go into detail, but I'm sick of my insecurities and doubts going on the way of my feelings & expressing them.
That's all for now. I guess.
New Years Resolutions........... Failed
So it's 2012. I tell "everyone" I haven't promised anything, because 1) I don't want them to know what I want to change about myself or 2) I know I can't keep promises.
And uhm, yeah. Last year I didn't promise anything because I completely forgot. This year I should be promising lots of stuff, since I've suddenly come to realization about my horrible personality. Lol.
Here we go...
1) I promise I'll take more risks - even though what I consider a risk is enough to make people lose their patience with me.
2) I promise to let people in. Or at least try. I've got my mental walls back up and I don't want to take them down just yet.
3) I promise I'll take my weight back to consideration. I'm not going for BMI of 17 again, but I don't like the way I look now.
4) I promise I'll stop keeping so much stuff to myself. Normal people don't read minds. It just seems I haven't quite understood that yet...
5) I promise I'll sleep more and do my homework. I need to get my schoolwork on track before I end up being a high school drop-out working at McDonald's. I just... no.
I have already failed some of these. This was just an example of what I want from my life. I'm just not willing to do anything to change. Arghh.
And uhm, yeah. Last year I didn't promise anything because I completely forgot. This year I should be promising lots of stuff, since I've suddenly come to realization about my horrible personality. Lol.
Here we go...
1) I promise I'll take more risks - even though what I consider a risk is enough to make people lose their patience with me.
2) I promise to let people in. Or at least try. I've got my mental walls back up and I don't want to take them down just yet.
3) I promise I'll take my weight back to consideration. I'm not going for BMI of 17 again, but I don't like the way I look now.
4) I promise I'll stop keeping so much stuff to myself. Normal people don't read minds. It just seems I haven't quite understood that yet...
5) I promise I'll sleep more and do my homework. I need to get my schoolwork on track before I end up being a high school drop-out working at McDonald's. I just... no.
I have already failed some of these. This was just an example of what I want from my life. I'm just not willing to do anything to change. Arghh.
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