Oh well. I'm used to this. I don't know how my younger siblings feel.
In this house all that matters is smiling and acting like everything's "alright". No one cares about how you feel. If you wanna cry, please go and do it in your room, because nobody wants to see it. Issues aren't meant to be talked about. It's more convinient to just look away and expect for the problem to disappear.
Am I being too harsh? Maybe. But all I need is an opportunity to be open to my parents. They're not willing to give me that. Oh, no. The last time mum asked me what's going on was about two years ago. And even then only because I didn't wanna go to school and face my life. Again.
I hate how my mum acts like she knows something. My gay best friend (who just happens to be a girl) agrees with me. So how about you come and fucking say it to my face. Yell at me, say how disappointed you are - I really don't care.
I just don't want my own mother to act this way.
Or maybe it's my own paranoia. It could be.
As much I love secrets and drama and having to sneak around, I'm getting tired of this.
It's just that I don't have options.
My dad already scares me so much.
I don't wanna give him a reason to shout at me. When he does it without a reason it's already bad enough.
I think that's why I'm so terrified of loud noises.
Friend: I've thought about it, and sexuality isn't worth losing friends.
Me: I know, I mean you're straight and I'm still friends with you.
Friend: *laughs*
Me: Sounds funny that way, doesn't it?
She was probably expecting a cookie for that comment. I'm sorry but I'm so not sorry.
~
I have nothing to say. I'm so scared of causing conflicts in real life that I just keep pouring it out online. Ironic, I'm actually starting to not care about what people think of me. After years of telling that lie to everyone, it's becoming reality.
