nowhere but up

CW: mentions of gore and self-harm

School. For fuck's sake.
These adults trying to help me (who btw "care about my life") said that I might feel like I'm doing better because I push my feelings away and do something else instead. So then I would only feel anxious or whatever when I'm alone and I have nothing to do.

OK. Here's the deal: I have a part-time job, I go to school, I lie to my mum everyday about everything. I got my head wrapped around a few things and seriously I'm not willing to let go. Because those idiots might be right. (I'm seriously facepalming at myself just for agreeing on something like that)

~

I love drama.
Then my friend got really mad at me for the dumbest thing ever and I just don't know anymore.
I mean come on. I'm sorry for keeping secrets from you, but 1) I'm not alone in this you know, and 2) stop. It's my private life. It's not funny when you say (as a joke) that you won't write names down on your damn schoolwork but that "everyone in our class will know who it's about".
Also stop implying things you don't know anything about. Once again, private life. It's not "totally obvious". Fuck, you're making the thing I'm most nervous about something that I've already been through. And you're making it seem so natural, which just basically makes me want to die.
With my confidence, with my courage, with my damn.... well I have no scars but still.
But hey, at least she didn't label me.
I just can't take you guys seriously.

Do you ever look in the mirror and feel like cutting your stomach open? 

You know, just to feel cleaner.

Or scratch yourself until you bleed everywhere?

That's why we have cutting. To contain this.

Since the start of 2012 I have....

So I was on tumblr and i found this thing. The bolded ones are obviously the stuff that's happened. And yes my life is the definition of uninteresting.



Gotten a new piercing.

Dyed my hair.

Ended a relationship.

Started a new relationship.

Been on a long a car journey.

Passed an exam.

Have someone who’s now an important part of my life.

Cried on someone’s shoulder.

Had a massive fight with a boy/girlfriend.

Received flowers.

Had a Valentine.

Written a letter using pen & paper.

Been prescribed medication by a doctor.

Read a really good book.

Gone to the zoo.

Spent too much money on unnecessary things.

Traveled by train.

Cried over a member of the opposite sex.

Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan.

Slammed a door out of frustration.

Had an anxiety attack.

Babysat for a friend’s child.

Had a BBQ.

Gone to the fair.

Gone bowling.

Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.

Gone on a date.

Been the only sober one on a night out.

Helped someone home after they had been drinking.

Stayed up all night.

Talked on the phone for over two hours.

Supported someone who’d received bad news.

Watched some kind of live sporting event.

Read an entire book in one day.

Bought a DVD the day it was released.

Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.

Cried as a result of exam stress.

Met some incredible new people.

Gone to great parties.

Fallen backwards off a chair.

Broken my glasses.

Worn a watch for the first time in years.

Cried over someone in my past.

Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.

Thrown up.

Cried over a film.

Gone out of my way to avoid a person from your past.

Fought with someone in public.

Been in a relationship for a year or longer.




So that was fun.