Random Complaining

I have never believed in stereotypes. Or well, if I'm watching TV, I will point out the most obvious ones just for fun, but that's it.
I've actually learned to think that if something goes by the stereotype, it's usually the opposite.
Confused yet? Perfect.

 There is one stereotype that confuses and worries me, though. Every gay person seems to say oh, I was like five when I realized I was different. Ever heard of that? I have for like a million times. And it's not exactly making me feel better. Especially a few years ago, when I was reading everything I could find to figure myself out just a little bit...
Because seriously, I've always been "normal". I played with Barbie dolls, all of my friends have been girls, I never felt like I didn't fit in, I never felt like I'm boy-ish...

  I know it doesn't mean anything. I am what I am and stupid stereotypes can't change that. But it's still weird for me.
This is the point where, some years ago, I would've asked myself what went wrong?. Uhm, yeah, I used to be a part-time homophobe. And please don't get me wrong. It started when I realized I fell for a girl.  Then I just had to suck it up and face the facts: I can make my life really hard with my attitude or stop being an ass towards myself. (Guess which one I chose?)

Supposedly Out Of My Misery

So... This has been something I've been wanting to write but I've also been terrified to do this :D

I have wrote about this one girl for a few times (well that's a lie)... And I honestly thought I should just lose all the hope I used to have. It's no use chasing something that will never work out.

But. Last Friday night (now I have the song stuck in my head) a freaking miracle happened.
And you know, no one has ever told me they have feelings for me (at least not face to face), so it was certainly something new. I had expected it on some point but then just killed the thought and moved on, and the place and everything... I was surprised. It's not even a bad thing.

And anyways, now I'm testing my "positive thinking" once again. I don't know why this keeps happening, but I start to rationalize everything. It's more than stupid, I always end up with a solution I don't like and just do the opposite.

 But I dare to say I have a reason to be worried.
I know what can go wrong. I've lost a good friend in the process. (And I had so many flashbacks about it that it's scary on itself.)


So I know how it might go. With the right people, it doesn't matter what you say. You just can't be around each other anymore. And after that you can seriously say it's all over.


After covering all the negative stuff I can finally get to the flailing part. (Lol why can't I be normal...)
I've literally been smiling all the time at home. My sister came home yesterday and she was like who did you kiss last night?. I just laughed and asked what the hell she was thinking. Apparently, by reading my tweets and knowing what happens in The Last Song (and possibly living under the same roof with me??) you can figure out what's going on in my life, no matter how little I talk about it.

And then my ridiculous problems. I have never ever kissed anyone (I usually add "in a way it would count", but I'm just gonna drop it) and it's starting to worry me. I have also never "dated" anyone, which is basically just pathetic in my age. (But I can always blame it on the fact that I never really have a crush on anyone and I've been too busy being confused.)

 Tonight I tried to get my sister to tell me what do you actually do with people when you're dating but she had no idea. Sometimes I just really hate being the oldest kid. And the fact that I haven't talked to my used-to-be-mentor in like six months. I really need her right now.

This is a freaking long post, I know. But I should be doing school stuff right now, so...
Anyways, I don't know what kind of image this gives, but all I can say that I'm so happy it's not even real.
(And if I can sleep tonight, I'm gonna be super happy :D)

*Mental Problems*

You know you have no life when your last class ended over 30 minutes ago and you're still at school.
On a fucking computer.

Aaanywhore. A few days ago I had this need to actually update my blog. As you can see, it's long gone.
But whatever.


At school I'm failing basically everything. Usually when this happens, I'm like yeah, it's this and this person's fault, not mine. Now I can't do even that. I know that I should focus on something else than... Well, whatever I'm doing nowadays.
But it's hard. The sad fact is that I seriously have a major crush (I hate that word) on this person x and I can't get over it.
And what could I say to her??
Oh, you're cute and funny and adorable. But I don't want to mess our relationship up. I don't know what I want from you.

I'm a fucking hot mess... But life is actually sorta fun. I love my class, I... I just really like my life right now. It's weird to think that way, I'm used to feeling like everything is going to fall apart any second. But I've learned my lesson: surround yourself with people who actually make you laugh and don't try to make you feel bad.

The one thing I should get into my head on the moment is that I have to stop daydreaming. Yeah, you can't tell a person's sexuality by looking at them. But you can tell when you obviously don't stand a chance. I can, but I refuse to believe it. Sigh.
And oh, the best part. I have some sort of a gaydar (instincts lol) but I can't figure out people who I actually like.
I just wish people could take hints.....

Haha this turned out to be far too long. Good luck with reading it.