TMI Come To Life

I'm so boring but I have to get this out of my system: I think I have officially fallen for someone. AGAIN.

Two or three years ago I complained (deep inside my head) that I cannot be a normal human being since I don't have romantic feelings for absolutely anyone.
Then I fell for my closest friend. Whoops.
That is still the reason why I don't believe in best friends; everyone said "oh, you're best friends" but I never agreed thanks to the crush I was trying to overcome.
So, long story short, she found out and now, a long time later, we're not talking to each other.

I know there are other things involved, not just my feelings: we're different and she got closer to people that are more like her. But still, even today, I can't help wondering, where would we stand if I had never told anyone. (Or written everything online like a complete idiot.) After all, I don't know if I can ever completely let her go...


So, now I have shared half of my life with this blog (too). After all that it shouldn't be a miracle that I don't want to tell this one person I like her. I'm afraid everything will come crushing down and somehow I would be outcast in my class. Not that people wouldn't accept me, not at all, just that I know how awkward things can get.
And I know that not everyone is happy to know someone's crushing on them. In some cases I wouldn't be.
Like if a guy fell for me. Gosh, I would be so sorry for him. Partly because I'm so used to not being liked. (That sentence made zero sense. Bare with me.)


This has been long and horrible. I need to know what to do. I don't want to ruin yet another relationship. I like where we stand now. But there's always the stupid, undying hope inside of me. Damnit.