CW: talk about suicide and self-harm
"Yesterday" did not happen. This is not me.
Gotta love how I'm freaking about stuff that stayed on the thought level, and not the things I actually did earlier this week on some weak moment around midnight. (Ineedmorelongsleevedshirtsforfuckssake.)
But. So. What the hell am I trying to do. It's like oh, there's something in my life I haven't managed to completely fuck up - better do it then. My problem is the fact that I've moved on to this stage where I want to make other people suffer just to see who's gonna "do better". Because for some reason I think it's gonna be me.
What else. I'm so fucked with everything. If my attempts to ruin everything that's good about my life aren't bad enough, I'm also completely giving up with school. I just don't see the point on doing anything when my priority right now is not to overdose on painkillers. That may or may not be accurate description of my life. It's just that I've been procrastinating for like 4 years now.
It's nice when people say 'if you wanna talk, I'm right here', but I just passed on opportunity to talk. I don't even know why. Maybe because this specific person is a bit too close to me. It was so different last summer, because she doesn't even know any of the people I hang out with. Didn't have to worry about information spreading to the person it's actually about.
I'm a horrible two-faced asshole and I can't be bothered to fix it. Not that I don't care, just that I don't care enough. I wrote, what was it, 800 and something words that could literally ruin my life. I don't want to say 'ruin', that's ridiculously pathetic, but it's true.
What. Ever.
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