I'm so hedonistic. It sounds weird as hell I know but it's true. For a few years now I've been thinking that there's no other thing in life as important as feeling good.
Then last year our philosophy teacher brought up the gladiator battles and how people enjoyed watching others die. I was horrified.
One year later I don't care anymore. I'm addicted to everything horror related. I'm ridiculously interested in serial killers and such. I'll just say I get off on the weirdest crap, which is the worst expression ever but saves me the trouble of explaining.
Hedonism is about getting as much pleasure (asdfghjkl) as possible, whilst pain is subtracted from it. Excuse me? I'm so lost, but really... What if you enjoy a decent amount of pain.
Pain makes you feel. And holy fuck it makes you focus.
I'm all about the thrill. It doesn't have to be anything special.
The problem is that I get used to the feeling. Which means (this is where it gets funny) that I have to keep pushing the limit further and further. I swear I'm painfully obvious when I keep provoking people, looking for any kind of reaction. The thrill I get from pushing people over the edge, from making them react strongly, is so bad but so good.
That sounded sexual. Oh god why.
Using people gets me to my next point. I want everything.
That sounds horribly wrong.
But it's so true. I'm that spoiled brat whose used to getting everything she wants, even though I'm the oldest of three children, meaning that I'm far from spoiled.
It's just that I'm one of those people who see life as a game. No one wins or loses, but it still goes on underneath everything we do. Get dealt a good hand, it'll be easier. Get dealt my a bad one and..... yeah. Have fun digging your way up.
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